"Let me speak, let me spit out my bitterness"

I reluctantly admit that I often get annoyed with prayers that begin with an expression of gratitude, and my reaction includes annoyance at my own feeble attempts at prayer.  I too often enter prayer in this way!   In my experience of Christian spirituality in our time, we place such a high value on thanksgiving that we believe it is the first expression we "should" voice in spoken prayer.   I fear however, that we do so at the expense of being able to prayerfully express how we are truly feeling.  I fear also, that the priority we give to expressions of gratitude might be contributing to all the ways we split ourselves up into this and that, into what we eventually, to our emotional peril,  judge is acceptable and what is not acceptable within us.

This past week someone confided in me that he was feeling down.   In the midst of the ensuing conversation we agreed that winter months can be difficult. He then made a common remark, 

“But I have so much to be thankful for”.  I agreed.  Yet something inside of me wrestled with our mutual bow to thankfulness. 

Often I hear people say these words, as they struggle with sadness or as they cope with an enduring depression.  It is as if we have separated gratitude from sadness and have arrived at some vague yet powerfully guilt inducing conclusion that the two are mutually exclusive.   If I am feeling down or living with depression, I too begin to worry  that I must not be a thankful person, or that I "should" be focusing on more positive aspects of life.  This often serves to only deepen the depression, as we inwardly criticize ourselves up for not feeling “upbeat”.  We live in a culture that works very hard to reward us when we are in a “good mood” or “upbeat” and outwardly expressing a “positive attitude”.  

Certainly I found this in my experience as a United Church minister.  As Christians, we place a high value on gratitude.   We often do so at the expense of a range of other perceptions and experiences.  Have we come to believe that if we are sad we must not be a thankful person?

This was  a challenging aspect of my own experience of depression as a young mother.  I would try to shake myself out of my dark moods by thinking, “but I have two healthy , beautiful children.  I have financial security. I have a loving marriage relationship”,  and so on.  All of this was true.  Yet I was living with a very debilitating post partum depression.   Of course I was thankful for my husband, my family, and friends.  I was very grateful to have some measure of financial security, a secure home, food on the table.  I loved and cared for my babies with all of my broken heart and soul.  I was filled with gratitude, and I was living with depression.

I now look back on that time in my life with a much fuller understanding and acceptance of myself.  No wonder I was struggling!  No sleep! A spouse who was travelling frequently in his work.  We had moved to a new city. I had not yet found a circle of friends.  I missed having a job. The identity shift required to leave a career and stay home with children was overwhelming for me.  On top of all that, the birth of my daughters triggered a watershed of grief related to the death of my own mother at a young age.    I struggled with feelings of guilt because my life seemed in all the exterior aspects, to be going so well, and that I "should" be thankful. 

So much to be thankful for, yes.  Also very sad, confused, scared, and overwhelmed.  All of these feelings were parts of my life at that time.  Living with sorrow, regret, anger, anxiety, depression, or any range of difficult feelings doesn't mean that we are not also able to feel gratitude.   I can hold all of these feelings and indeed, be experiencing many other things as well, all at the same time, and for many different reasons. 

Please allow room in your life for the full range of human experience and emotion.  If you are struggling with a long lasting depression, or some other emotional strain such as the "the winter blues", this does not mean you are ungrateful for the many good things in your life and relationships!

One of my favourite prayers is one written by Leonard Cohen and sung powerfully by Joni Mitchell in the song, "Sire of Sorrow".  It is a prayer of lament that begins with these words:

"Let me speak.  Let me spit out my bitterness".

As a worship leader, I often wanted to open the prayers in this way or to have the choir sing this song as their anthem.   I never risked being that honest with my parishioners unfortunately.  It might have been the healthiest and most empowering spiritual leadership I offered.

Let's be free to be honest about how we feel, in our relationship with the Holy Mystery and with one another and perhaps then we can help one another work to integrate all of our feelings, thoughts and experiences into a healthy sense of self.